The Most Autistic Question Ever.

I am probably not the first, nor the last, Autistic person to wonder, jeez is all this worth the agony? I mean, after decades of having friends, losing friends, agonizing over the most minor social interactions or faux pas, at some point, it starts to make sense to wonder what am I trying to accomplish here? Maybe I’d be more relaxed if I just gave it up.

And honestly, I am tempted. Not like I will run off to live in the woods alone but perhaps having and maintaining friends isn’t something I need to push myself so hard to do. If friendships naturally occur, cool. But I am tired of chasing them or strategizing on what is the appropriate non-alarming cadence to text someone because naturally I have no idea, all of this makes no sense to me.

I used to feel deep shame and embarrassment about my lack of ability to make and maintain friends. I've always been the awkward person at every event, having to consciously contort my body into a posture that would fit in (because left to my own devices, I’d probably be stimming or do some other non-normal activity that would most definitely not fit in).

Since I don’t know how to interact with people very naturally in formal settings (or really any setting unless I am home or alone or something) like events, I tend to people watch. And I wonder about trends (I have 0 knowledge of what is currently trending so I make guesses) or how those people might experience the event as people who actually know how to interact with others naturally. I can’t say I am jealous (I used to be jealous of them when I was younger), they just seem completely foreign to me. I am like an awkward lifeform plopped next to these laughing, conversating, at-home-seeming humans. Here I am squeezing my arms and reminding myself to not grimace or make weird facial expressions.

Anyways, back to my original point, I don’t have an answer. Perhaps it depends on the day.