The Goal Is Experience

I apologize in advance because I have no idea who to attribute this quote to, despite scouring the internet.

According to LinkedIn, I’ve worked in mental health in some capacity for 20 years. Before that, philosophy and psychology were lifelong special interests. I’ve always been trying to figure out how to live life well—and how not to get stuck in traps. Traps like the hedonic treadmill, keeping up with the Joneses, or working myself to the bone in pursuit of security, only to realize I could have slowed down and actually enjoyed this very short, precious life.

I’ve read a lot of books. Collected quotes. Gone to meditation centers. Sat with these questions for as long as I can remember.

A couple of months ago, I came across a quote and had that familiar, jarring feeling: Oh. This is it. This is exactly what I’ve arrived at after all these years of searching for answers. This is the philosophy that keeps me from wrestling with fate and instead helps me accept what life hands me, whether horrific, devastating, or beautiful.

My goal is not to control life. Not because I don’t want to control it, I absolutely do (what autistic person doesn't?), but because I can’t. I simply cannot control life, nor can I ever possess enough information to outsmart it.

As an autistic therapist, I work with autistic people who are deeply anxious about how chaotic, unfair, and sometimes horrendous life can be. To soothe that anxiety, many adopt beliefs or behaviors that create the illusion of control. Sometimes clients ask for my opinion or want to know what they “should” do in a given situation. I take those moments as opportunities to be honest about how limited, biased, confused, and culturally bound I am. I might have useful perspectives but I’m no less constrained by my own context, nervous system, and blind spots than they are. The only real difference between us is that I chose to become a therapist, and they happen to be my client in that moment.

It took a long road to get here. Many meditation retreats. Many books. A lot of resistance.

I don’t like that life is unpredictable. I don’t like that it ends. I don’t like that I can’t control what will happen. I don’t like that life isn’t logical especially because I love logic (again, what autistic person doesn't love logic??).

What I’m really talking about here is surrender.

Surrendering to life. Admitting that life has already won. That there is no controlling it. That we are here for the ride.

And that the ride itself, not any particular outcome, is the point.