Growing up as an (undiscovered) multiply neurodivergent person, I’ve always felt like I was missing key information. The feeling has followed me throughout my life even after discovering that I was AuDHD. I mean, now I know why I’ve most likely been feeling this way but I still feel it. All the time. It’s like a weird pull at the pit of my stomach telling me that there is something I can’t quite put my finger on, a realization that will clear everything up that is just around the corner that never comes.
I’ve always hoped that the more educated I became, the quieter this feeling would get. I was wrong. It has remained the same regardless of the certifications, degrees, books, or trainings I complete. I have many theories as to why I feel like this. Being autistic and ADHD is an interesting mix since I both pay attention a lot yet feel like I am always not paying enough attention. The way my brain works is seen as “defective” in our culture and in need of correction via therapies, medications (not bashing meds here), etc. No wonder I feel like I am missing something, that’s what society has told my whole life!
I do admit I have been drawn to quite nebulous things as special interests that do not help me feel confident in my knowledge. I mean, philosophy and psychology are not easy to define or know everything about by any means.
This feeling has kept me from speaking publicly about my views. It was only after discovering I was neurodivergent and discovering how to be neurodivergence-affirming with myself, that I began to realize that this feeling might never go away and I still have valuable things to say.
So I began speaking out and that is why you are reading these words. This feeling remains with me but I don’t listen to it that much. I realize it is most likely residue from a life of being misunderstood and in an environment that was not conducive to my neurotype.
If I had been taught my whole life how my brain worked and that it’s ok to have your mind wander off and that the way I learn is just different, I probably wouldn’t have this lingering feeling. This feeling is part of the legacy of being an undiscovered AFAB AuDHD’er born in the 80’s.