Close Friendships And Mandalas

There is a practice in Buddhism where monks create very intricate mandalas made out of sand only to destroy them later. It teaches us about impermanence, that life is a constant flow of change and we cannot hold onto anything too tightly.

While the impermance teaching is a very important one, I was reminded of mandalas recently when reflecting on friendships. Like many other Autistic folks, I have had difficulties with relationships since childhood. I was heavily bullied throughout grammar school. I had some friendships but none that lasted for very long, I would heavily mask and ultimately, miss some social cue probably a bid for connection or something fundamental and the friendship would implode, explode or fizzle out some how. This has been a lifelong pattern. And it reminds me of a mandala.

I can build a friendship, I can connect with another person and even get to what I think is a deep level of sharing. But at some point, they need a level of maintenance I cannot provide. Or they need me to connect with them in a way I don't understand and, by the laws of social norms, is never explained to me. And to be honest with you, even if it was, I am not sure I would be able to do it or keep it up.

So all relationships in my life have been a series of mandalas, blown away either slowly or quickly. Some I keep on a surface level, the mandala never gets too complicated but also that type of mandala lacks the depth and connection to be anything nourishing.

Yung Pueblo recently posted on Instagram the quote by @risingwoman: "Research shows we only need 3-5 close friends to have a happy social life. Your nervous system doesn't crave popularity, it craves safety, resonance, and connection. A small circle is sacred." This quote was meant to give people perspective, to stop striving for large friend groups. And so many people resonated and thanked him for that quote. Yet I felt alienated, no way do I have 3-5 close friendships nor could I ever.

Leaning into my Autistic experience means realizing this quotes don't include me, that these studies aren't studying people like me. So can someone like me have a good life even if I can't even maintain 3-5 close friends? I'd like to think so even if it's a much different life than perhaps what the majority of society would think is desirable.